Everything hurts, all I recognise is pain. I'm undecided as if I can now feel anything else. I’m beginning to wonder if some how I've brought all this on my self. The obvious usual suspects come to mind. Maybe some inner consciousness had demanded that I be unhappy. Am I the creator of my own bad Karma? Do I thrive off the hurting? Is there some heavenly body at work? Am I too soft? Am I an emotional coward? I could go on and probably will.
I've been down as far as I can go and I picked myself up before but this time? Why does every time feel as though I can’t handle any more? Am I addicted to the pain?
Stop! This self abuse is not the answer. It isn't my fault I didn't command all this hell. I am guilty though of becoming a conscientious objector. It seems that in real life this is a sin. If my country were fighting an unjust war I could later be deemed a hero, an innovator. I just feel as though this is an act of cowardice and my brain is going to fry.
At what point does a person’s brain cease to function? I reckon I must be up there somewhere. I’m not sure how much more I can handle. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say. I say that’s a load of bollocks. What doesn't kill you just waits for another chance.
O.K. what do I know? It seems I am one of three emotional states. 1. I'm treading the fine line to a nervous breakdown. 2. I'm actually in the eye of the breakdown itself. 3. I have suffered said breakdown and am on the road to recovery. The problem is if I am aware of my being involved in 1, 2 or 3 does that mean that I can’t actually be there yet? Do people recognise they are breaking down or does someone else have to tell you? Get’s rather confusing doesn't it? I'm writing this apparently to no-one and for no reason except self preservation maybe, so are my fingers guilty of lunacy? What makes me any less of a nutter than someone sat in a corner rocking and mumbling to their self about de-constructing the evolutionary process of Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog? I have tried that too which I suppose answers my own question.
But what if that person has found a happy place or at the very least a release from the pain. If the brain and body can’t function properly something must shut down, something must give way. Who are we to say that our bodies and what conscious part of our brain we do use is superior to the little men who really control our minds?
Let me explain: Our bodies will run at a healthy 36 ° C constantly. Once we drop below 35 ° C, we reach stage 1 of hyperthermia, shivering, teeth chattering, you know the drill. Drop below 33 ° C, welcome to stage 2, the muscles begin to shut down, you can’t walk or speak properly. The heart is still pumping warm blood to protect the brain. Just 1 ° C colder to 32 ° C and all hell breaks loose; there is just not enough warm blood to pass round. The body has ceased to function; you’re no longer breathing but guess what? The brain is still hanging on in there, not that you would notice but there is still hope even for hours after sometimes.
So maybe, just maybe some part of our brain which strangely enough understands our bodies more than we as conscious beings probably ever will, makes an informed decision. Shut something down cause this isn't working. The brain is obviously equipped with many innate survival tools. I wouldn't know at what rate to stop the flow of blood to my cooling organs. Even if I did know I couldn't flip the manual switch to perform the operation. Would you? I had to Google the temperatures just to sound informative and factual. I then Googled what percentage of our brain we actually use? I though it was around 10%. Apparently this is a myth. We actually use around 70% but possibly only 10% at any one time.
So I'm getting a little off track here. Sorry a bad habit.
Let’s get back to the nutter in the corner, who has now decided that Kermit and Miss Piggy were never revolutionaries in their own right so are of no historical importance. Is his brain just protecting him until he can be snapped out of his situation? Mental and physical problems are a whole different ball game. We can slowly warm up the hyperthermia patient and fingers crossed she will be back on the ski slopes next winter with a whole new outlook on life and telling the most interesting Gin and Tonic story of the season.
What of our Muppets fan? Doctors will presumably pump him full of all kinds of drugs. There will be meetings as to which drugs and what dosage. There will be arguments over the benefits of barbiturates over counselling Ultimately we may as well get Fozzy Bear to treat him with a bucket of leaches. Which by the way are making a come back after 200 years.
If 2000 or so years of medicine, doctors and minds far superior to mine can’t solve mental problems what chance do I have?